Sunday, 17 June 2012

I can't cry

I haven't cried since November 19, 2009. I can't cry, well I can, but only every few years and then I cry a few years worth of tears. Today my mother nearly made me cry. My parents came to visit yesterday, I dread their visits, my father can be helpful, today he mowed part of the yard, but he does go on about the cost of maintaining a house. My mother will offer to help with something and then bitch and moan about how big a job it is, it is far more pleasant if she doesn't say anything.
Zach and I went to auskick this morning, came home, my mother was doing some laundry (hers) Zach and I were sitting at the table, I was having a coffee and enjoying it. My mother sits down with us and when my dad goes outside to do something, it all comes out. "when are you going to clean up this place!" "you need to get rid of all this junk" "he still sleeps in your room" "you're addicted to shopping, look at at this place" "your garden needs so much work" " if you can't look after this place, move somewhere that you can"
Ok my carpet has seen better days, I am behind in laundry, there are toys that make there way out of the toy room and there is clutter around. Those who know me, know I am a bit free and not into cleaning my house every hour of the day.
While my mother is having her rant, Zach, my beautiful sweet boy, who so often seems as though he is not aware of what is going on around him, was sitting beside me stands up and pust his arms around me. "you're upsetting my mum, you're upsetting my mum" "we love all this, this our home" "you're upsetting my mum"
I wanted to cry because he is only seven and shouldn't have to feel like he has to stand up for his mumma and because he did that and I just find it so hard to tell my mother to back off and let me live my life how I want to.
My mother stopped, but I can tell she is angry with me, I don't live like her, I don't do things the way she does and I don't live to clean my house all day, every day. She is full of anger, angry her children don't live how she want them to live, angry that three of us are getting divorced, angry my second brothers ex wife has just remarried, angry her youngest child doesn't want to get married, angry that I don't confide in her about anything, angry that I'm not angry. She just angry.
I just can't be angry. I can't cry either.
They left to have lunch with my younger brother. Later Zach sat next to me looked me in the eyes and said "your mother upset you" and he gave me a hug.
He then made a creeper mumma and a creeper kid out of duplo, "they a creeper family".  Later he said "you and me a family" I love that boy!


Take care x♥x♥


  1. Well you almost made me cry - but I can't cry that much either - but it's my drugs. We love you just the way you are - and how precious is your darling boy. So precious! xxx

  2. I cry all the time, because I am a big sucka.
    I think there's probably no better way for Zach to show you love than a mine craft creeper family =D
    I think they are awesome! big hugs