I have been trying to write this post for a few days now. Zach has had a fever on and off the last few days, a cough and a toothache. He has been home a few days from school and I have been working as well. So not much time for writing
Last Wednesday when I dropped Zach off at his dads ( lets call him dim, those are his initials ) I asked him if he could try to explain to Zach that I am not his girlfriend.
You see the other day when Zach was talking about S and C I said Zach maybe S is your dads girlfriend. Zach got very upset and insisted that I was, Dim moved out when Zach wasn't even two and a half. I don't think Zach even remembers his dad living with us, but still he thinks I am his dads girlfriend.
I said Zach was talking about S and C. Well Zach had meet them a few times in the six months that he was seeing S and last Saturday night was a sleep over. Zach was being himself, he can't be anyone but himself. No meltdowns or upsets, but S couldn't handle Zach . So it had ended, Dim was angry, S hadn't even seen Zach at his worst. Zach is a pretty easy going child and gets along with most people.
I feel sorry for Dim, he is now really starting to appreciate Zach for who he is and is realising what he is missing out on. But he can't expect every one to just accept Zach as is, unfortunately it's human nature to be unaccepting. The right woman will come along and be a great stepmum, but it wasn't S.
A quote from Marilyn Monroe "if you can't handle me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best" when Zach has a meltdown and goes into hysterics you have to be able to handle it somehow, but he is so thoughtful, caring and affectionate and fun and some days so articulate and comes out with stuff so profound. So if a person who is dating either his mum or his dad can't even handle him on an average day let alone at his worst then they aren't the one. I know I can't control who Dim goes out with or who could be Zach's possible stepmother, but I hope Dim chooses a woman of substance.
The whole dating thing scares me, I do want a relationship. Not just anyone. I wont go into what i want. But when it comes to Zach, someone who won't ask "why is is doing that" when Zach get so excited he starts his hand flapping, but will say "Zach clap your hands" and will clap their hands along with Zach and not be awkward about it. That's the sort of person who I could be with.
I worry how Zach would react to me seeing someone. He is still convinced that I am his dads girlfriend, I have tried to tell him otherwise. Some people have asked if I would ever go back there. Our lives have taken different paths, where the paths separated there is now a huge quicksand bog, I know if you lie on your back you can float on quicksand. I know just trying to float in a relationship and not sink into quicksand is not for me. I want to be me, I like being me. And I want someone who likes me too.